God is loud. I’m surprised at the fact that I don’t always hear Him. But this week, I started to hear Him again, clearer than I have in a very long time.
I suppose that for a little while, I had forgotten who God is, and who God wants me to be. I forgot that my life is a prayer. I forgot that my life is not in my hands. I forgot that if I want to find peace, I need to stop trying so hard. I need to let go, and let God.
It was dialogue shared over two Subway seafood salad sandwiches that instigated this change in mindset. What I assumed would be a typical lunch with my good friend turned into some sort of honest and introspective self-analysis.
I don’t know where to begin, but things need to change.
I realized just how empty I had been feeling since I had spent less time with God. I convinced myself that I had things under control in my own mind, until I became so overwhelmed with life that God decided He needed to give me a stronger nudge. I’m glad He did.
After that conversation, I felt stronger. I went for a run and trimmed some time off my mileage and felt as though my spirit was shifting into place once again. My brokenness was beginning to heal, only by the hands of God.
I still felt lost, though. Not overcome with irrational anxiety, just lost in a maze of personal confusion. I was so honest with myself that I frightened my own heart. I questioned my life, especially my future. I’m still questioning it, but with more certainty now than earlier in the week. It’s just now that I’m finally beginning to find the authentic stability that I’ve been craving.
And I don’t remember when, but I sat down on my bed and prayed. I told God something along the lines of, I don’t know if I’ll regret this, but please help me to want what You want for me, and please do what You know is best in my life.
In that moment, my entire life felt transformed. I felt renewed, in a really overwhelmingly inspiring and cleansing way. My anxiety began to fade away (or at the very least I realized how pointless my worries were), and instead I was left swimming in a sea of enlightening questions, asking myself millions of things. What am I meant to do in my life? God, what do You want for my future? Do You and I want the same things? Are my desires coming from You? How can I distinguish between what You are telling me and what I am telling myself? Will You help me see clearly?
And so I continued to pray, and I continued to ask for guidance… as I’m still doing, because these questions are still swarming around in my mind, yearning to be answered. I feel much closer to the answers now, after surrendering to God and asking for clarity, and so I’m not full of anxiety. I’m full of excitement, because I trust in God that He will take care of me and only lead me where I am meant to follow.
I was so afraid of losing control. I was so afraid of opening my heart to God in a deeper way, because I knew that He often has a completely different path than the one we strongly desire for ourselves. Now I realize that God’s plan is much more secure than any plan I could ever have for myself. If you ask God, He will help you want the same things that He wants for you. And when you’re on the same page as the Creator of the Universe, you can do even more amazing things.
I’ve heard God speaking to me in countless ways throughout the past week, both in the silence of my own heart and through other people. I can recall numerous instances of unexplained kindness, the admirable absurdity of a beautiful circumstance, or the conversations that came out of absolutely nowhere and touched my heart exactly when it needed affirmation.
Yesterday, I spent the afternoon with another good friend of mine, and our time together just so happened to center around spirituality and love of God. She began discussing her favorite Bible verse with me, Proverbs 31:25, which says,
“She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”
It was exactly what I needed to hear. It was exactly what God had been whispering all along.
My strength is found in Him, and so I should be confident about my beautiful future. I’m learning how to love and embrace God’s unique plan. It’s a bit different from my own, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I can’t live this life on my own, and I never will. I’ll always be carrying God inside of me, and I’ll always be meeting Him through the beautiful minds and hearts of others.
I wrote the following poem last year, and I’ve been waiting to share it for a little while, but I’ve been waiting for the right time.. and I finally found it. I spent the last week of my life consumed by question of God’s intention for my life, or in other words, my purpose. Here is my reminder to open your heart and give God endless room to work in your life… and don’t worry, because He will take care of you.
PURPOSE, by Siena
To write, to scream, to fail, to reap,
To wake, to sigh, to live, to die.
Purpose: the final word of my question.
Lending me to an abyss of uncertainty, of doubt,
Of fear, and of hope.
Oh, Hope – she glistens in the icy morn and swallows me in the lack of light
Because who is light but Who gives her to me?
Cardiac drama, adrenaline desire!
She fills me with my humble ego and forces me within myself.
The writer’s sore hand, cracked yet strengthened;
The girl who screamed, throat hoarse and swollen;
The one who failed, he tries again;
The reaper has not changed,
And neither will the child who wakes tomorrow.
The sigh of the relieved, the mistakes of the alive,
And the reminiscent memory of the past and the passed.
A look in my own eye as I sigh smiling subtly
Reduces my fear and increases Hope within
For those who worry not of purpose are those who win.
I love you, beautiful people. Continue to shine like the sun and love every moment.
xoxo, your friend, Siena